The day that went by like any other despite in the past I would count the hours. Took a second after work today to get my nails done. One of my comfort shows was on the tv there, they offered me a drink, and I had headphones in listening to a book after being brave and asking for something special when I usually just go for what’s quick and easy for them. They didn’t know I was treating myself to monument that I would cut my nails down to the raw beds to prevent me from scratching my skin until it bled. I picked a fun color that was bright and different and so out of my normal range and turned out to love it more than I thought. Came home to my own apartment with my dog to order dinner and watch tv, a thought I used to not even dream of but now live as a norm. I used to laugh at the “it gets better” promos but now reflecting it was damn right. It does get better. Sure this better didn’t come over night, it’s been 8 years, and each year more healed than the one before. The scars from hate so faded now and new ones replaced but with stories of “I rode my bike 20 miles and fell off at high speeds” or “I was trying to stop one of my (very disabled) kids at work from falling”. Stories of triumph and drive. Sure, I still struggle with aspects of life like everyone but I only wait to see what comes now instead of wish to be done. I found a singer who brings to light ideas I didn’t know how to explain. And I find comfort in knowing I’m not the only one feeling the way I do. Ok this has become way longer but just kinda felt like a diary entry so I kept going. To life, although days may be mediocre they’re wonderful none the less.
I’ve been good and fine lately. Hadn’t thought of s3lf h4rm in a really long time. Last night I watched a movie (I should’ve stopped when the first person comm1ted su1c1d3) and it triggered me. Badly. Today I was in such a dark place I thought about hurting myself. Where it would be hidden or make sense with wearing a bathing suit next week. I didnt and I’m proud of myself for that. But damn I haven’t had to fight that hard not to in awhile. Don’t watch spiderhead
I finally watched The Sound of Music and like I get it now, I get it.
It’s a beautiful two hour love story of a strict man finally opening his heart again and then a fifty minute public service announcement to hate the nazis. Brilliant.
